Quadplay in Australia – #32

Meanwhile in Australia, Joe said: ‘I’ve no sales for you, Micky.’

‘No sales?’

‘No sales.’

‘Why no sales, what happened?’

‘I had one but I lost it.’

‘Lost it?’

‘Lost it?’

‘Gone. G’luck. Lost. She was definite too.’

‘Not that definite.’

‘Wasn’t her fault.’

‘Was it yours?’

‘No.’

‘Who then?’

‘It’s a quare story.’

‘Sure tell me anyways.’

‘Do you want to hear it?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Right. Hang on til I light a smoke.’ He lit a smoke, continued with: ‘So your wan rang me at one o’clock and said to call over at three. She wanted the foreplay.’

‘The what?’

‘The foreplay – all four products: Telly, Broadband, Phoneline and Mobile.’

‘You mean the quadplay?’

‘That shite. Whatever. Yeah. So I said this is great, four sales, one customer, I’ll be having a pint at four o’clock with my days work done.’

‘We’re supposed to work til eight but sure go on anyways.’

‘So I was in Subway, having a footlong, getting ready to go over and next the phone rang: Don’t come over, she said.’

‘Why not?’

‘That’s what I asked her.’

‘And what did she say?’

‘She said there was an accident.’

‘What kind of accident?’

‘She said her brother had come in for a cup of tea and decided he was hungry.’

‘Ok.’

‘Ok, so he said he’d cook an egg for himself.’

‘An egg?’

‘Yeah, he wanted to boil it. So off he went and he got himself a pot of water. And he got himself an egg out of the fridge and he put the egg into the pot and he was going putting it into the microwave.’

‘Oh fuck.’

‘Don’t do that says your wan, you’re not supposed to put pots into the microwave.’

‘So what did he do?’

‘Right so, he says, I’ll use a cup. So off he went and got himself a cup, and he filled it with the water, and he put the egg into it and he put it all in the microwave.’

‘And what happened?’

‘Nothin.’

‘Nothin?’

‘Nothin at first. He put it on full whack, wanted to make sure the fuckin thing was boiled.’

‘Would he not cook it on a ring like a normal person?’

‘I don’t think this fella is that normal. So ding! Went the microwave, and out he took the egg and the boiling water and all was going well. And he looked into the cup and next thing: BANG! The egg exploded into his face and scalded his two eyes and now he’s in casualty.’

‘And she had to bring him down?’

‘Well he couldn’t drive himself.’

‘And what’s the story now?’

‘No fuckin sale anyway.’

‘Is he alright?’

‘I doubt it.’

‘Did she say to call back?’

‘I asked her but she was crying and I’m not sure what she said.’

‘So what’s the plan now?’

‘I’m goin wait outside the house her til I catch her at home.’

‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea.’

‘What? Sure she has to come home eventually. I can’t be letting a foreplay go to waste cos some fella blew the face of himself.’

**

Novel – El Niño (in Paperback).

El Niño is the exciting debut novel from Mayo man, Mick Donnellan. Slick, stylish and always entertaining, the story is a rollercoaster of drama and tension that hasn’t been seen in Irish fiction for a very long time. Charlie is our protagonist, the pick pocket that steals El Nino’s wallet and then falls in love with her. She’s the wild femme fatale, beautiful; enigmatic and seductive. She rocks Charlie’s world with her smoky wiles and drinking ways and her tough girl ideals. This is Noir at its best. Dark and edgy with crisp fresh dialogue and a plot that engages the reader from the first line and keeps them up all night – right through to it’s powerful finish.

€10.00

Fisherman’s Blues (Paperback)

Fisherman’s Blues is the hilarious new novel from Mick Donnellan.Dark and audacious, written in a distinct West of Ireland vernacular, it covers a myriad of genres from Crime Noir to comedy and an odd bit of religion. Fresh in its language, vivid in its descriptions, the book sings with the signature style of all Donnellan’s previous work, and a bit more. Delving into the lives of drinkers, lovers, thieves and scam artists, the story weaves a web of intrigue and curiosity that ends with an unforgettable bang. Not without its poignant moments, the plot hinges on the chaotic consequences of three unlikely comrade’s attempts to save their lost relationships, while unintentionally ruining the plans of a rising criminal’s efforts to take over the city. The question is: Can they succeed? And if they don’t, what then? And where have the women really gone?

€9.99