Amsterdam –

Outside, Nick was there. Staying in the same hostel. ‘Do you want to get a Wokbox?’

I did. And we went to get one.

As we ate, he said: ‘Your ears are huge.’

‘Thanks.’

‘No seriously, they look like satellite dishes. What’s on Sky One there?’

‘Were you on the mushrooms again?’

‘Just took a few before we left. Do you want any?’

‘I won’t.’

‘Why not?’

‘I keep thinking of your man that thought he could fly and jumped off the building there lately.’

‘Oh yeah.’

‘Where’s Frank?’ I asked.

‘I think he’s gone to the hookers again.’

‘Again?’

‘Them Indians are mad for it.’

‘What kind of Indian is called Frank anyway?’

‘I don’t know – think is real name name is Felikuku or something but he just says Frank to keep it simple.’

‘Shtop.’

‘€50 for 15 minutes – he’d want to be loaded.’

‘Is that him coming there?’

Frank was walking across the square, not looking too happy.

Nick looked around, squinted, said: ‘Fuck, has he got a tail?’

He walked in and I said: ‘Howya, Frank.’

He sat down, bloodshot eyes, a cut on his jaw, he asked: ‘What is “Howya” ?’

‘It means hello.’

‘I am not good,’ he said: ‘I have the boner.’

‘Sorry?’ Said Nick.

‘The Boner. My boner is very big.’

‘Were you not down trying to get it sorted out?’ I asked him.

Yes, he said, but they kick me out.

Nick asked: ‘Why?’

‘I pay my €50 by card, yes?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Then she say – put this white powder on your boner first.’

‘It’s disinfectant in case of….’

‘She thinks I have disease because I am Indian!’

‘It’s not your first time there – Frank.’

‘This is my point, why I need this every time I say? I have safest testicles in all of Amsterdam now. Anyway, I put this on like some man with lice and then she say put on your Johnny Rubber but now my boner is losing it’s mood ok….’

‘My hands are going green.’ Said Nick.

‘What happened then, Frank?’

‘I asked her get me in the mood, ok, like help me get full penile possibilities and she say – No, that will be another €25.’

‘And what did you say?’

‘I said ok you can use my card again and she put in her machine again and then we get ready….’

‘Ok….’

‘But then when we were making the lovefucking and I was thinking about a lovely girl in Mombassa and I asked her to say my name and she say – no, that will be another €25….’

‘And did you pay it?’ Asked Nick.’

‘Yes, I was making lovefucking this is priceless….but then we keep going and I was about to make my ejaculation and then an alarm went off….like a clock to wake you up in morning….’

‘Your 15 minutes were up.’ Said Nick.

‘Yes!’ Said Frank.’

‘What did you do?’

‘She want one more €50 to finish and I said “fuck you dirty whore” and I try to continue but she press her panic button on the wall and then all other prostitutes come in and they beat me with their shoes and kicked me out on to the street.’

‘So you’re barred now?’ I asked him.

‘I wait until they finish their shift and go back when new species are there. Hopefully they don’t recognise crazy Indian man with unsatisfied anatomy….’

**

 Buy Mick Donnellan’s novels in Paperback now! – “El Niño” and “Fisherman’s Blues” available here

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