How to use Android Pay –


Lost my Debit Card. Had to set up Android Pay. This means you can make payments at shops by tapping your phone off on the yoke instead of tapping your card. Simple.

Later, when I was buying lunch, I tapped my phone and it made the payment.  The girl behind the counter said: ‘That’s mad.’

‘I know.’

‘How does it work?’

‘Just comes from your account.’

‘What if you lose your phone?’

‘There’s a lock on it so it’s safe.’

‘And can you still make phone calls?’

‘I can. It doesn’t affect your phone.’

‘Can you do it if you only have a credit phone?’

‘I’d say so.’

‘I have unlimited free textes on mine – but no free calls. Would it use up all my textes?’

‘You’d have to ask the bank.’

‘What bank are you with?’


‘I’m with the TSB. Do they do it?’

‘I don’t know. You could ask them. Can I get cashback there too?’

‘Oh, I better not, just in case. Do you mind if I don’t? I’d be afraid like.’

‘You’re grand.’




Later that evening. In another shop. Bought some shite. Got to the till, said: ‘I’m going to pay with my phone, is that ok?’

Fella behind the counter frowned, said: ‘You want phone credit?’

‘No. I want to pay for this using my phone.’

‘You want to….sell me your phone?’

‘Eh….no. No I don’t.

‘Oh. Ok.’ He tapped the counter in the same way he does for all the weirdos he sees everyday and said: ‘So that’s €8.46 please, are you using card or cash?’



‘Neither. See. I can pay with the phone, there’s a new APP called…’

‘We have Vodafone, Meteor, Three….which you want?’

‘I don’t want credit.’

He jumped on this. ‘We don’t give Credit. Money up front.’

‘No, I meant, I don’t want phone credit.’

‘You want credit for your electricity? Prepaid Electricity for you? We have Electric Ireland, Pinergy….’

‘No. Just this here.’

‘Ok, so you have €8.46?’


‘Ok. So  you pay now please?’

‘Do you do Tap and Pay?’


‘Ok, I’ll tap.’

He sighed, took out the machine, said: ‘Here…’

I opened my phone before he had a chance to protest, tapped it off the reader and it said: ‘Approved.’

His eyes went wide. He looked at me like a priest would look at a Satanist, said: ‘what is this?’

‘Android Pay.’

‘But where does the money come from?’

‘My bank account – same as Card Payments.’

The receipt rolled out with a whistle of triumph. He pulled it off and examined it for financial heresy. When he found none, he said: ‘You better sign it, just in case.’

So I signed it and left.











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