Boom time Auctioneer

The auctioneer said: ‘This is a good one. Good location.’

‘What’s good about the location?’

‘Close to schools, bus routes, motorways and the neighbours are ok. You go to some places, I’ll tell ya, wouldn’t put a dog in them.’

‘And what’s the story with this place?’

‘The owners want to sell it and build another house.’

‘Why do they want to do that?’

‘They reckon they can sell this one for about €400,000 and then build another one for about €250,000 and keep the change.’

‘Where they building the new one?’





‘Here in the garden.’

This garden?’

‘Yeah. See….you’d be buyin the house alright, but they’re not sellin the garden. So there’d be a construction site here while you’re movin in. Still a good price for it. Bout as good as ye’ll get in this market. The Celtic Tiger ain’t goin anywhere I’m afraid….’

‘Is there anythin else we can look at?’

‘There’s one other place alright…I was there last week and the woman living there is a bit mad.’

‘What’s wrong with her?’

‘Whore for the drink.’

‘Does she want to sell?’

‘She thinks she does, but who knows, she’s half cracked.’

‘Has anyone made any offers on it?’

‘I had a couple there last week alright. They seemed interested.’

‘What happened?’

‘Nice couple. Young. She was a teacher. Blondie one. Real tall and good lookin. He’s in the bank. Up from Galway, lookin to settle here for a few years.’

‘What’s the price?’


‘Not bad.’

‘But wasn’t I showing it to this couple anyway. And I had your one living there told to be gone, but was she fuck gone. She was still there when we landed, half pissed, givin dirty looks like we were trespassing. Anyway, I pulled her aside and told her to fuck off up the stairs til we were finished. She was was thick enough but she went. Do ye smoke?’

‘No thanks.’

He lit a major and continued. ‘Anyway, I brought this couple around. The kitchen, the sitting room, outside into the garden. They were askin decent questions. It wasn’t going too bad. And we were standing there talking anyway and next thing I heard the toilet flushing upstairs.’

‘What was wrong with that?’

‘I remembered all of a sudden that the upstairs toilet was broke and you weren’t supposed to flush it. The pipe that was supposed to bring all the waste down to the drain was gone from the wall.’

‘So what happened?’

‘I turned to look up and sure next I knew a big plop of a shite fell down on my head. For fuck’s sake, I didn’t know what to do. It was warm and it smelled like onions, and stale meat and….and…pissy red wine. The young blondie one got sick straight away and your man pulled her out the door and that’s the last I heard of them. Had to buy a new fuckin suit after it.’

He finished the cigarette and continued. ‘We can take a look at the place if you want. If that bitch is there though, she’ll play fuck….I wouldn’t fancy it.’


Buy Mick Donnellan’s Novels here.


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