Red Corolla ’99 –

‘The guards are outside.’ He said.

‘What are they doin outside?’

‘Waiting for me?’

‘To arrest you?’

‘Kinda.There’s court on today and I’m not allowed to drive. They have to bring me over cos I’m technically off the road…’

‘Why’re you off the road?’

‘Dangerous Drivin. Not the first time I got caught you see. I was already off the road when they caught me again….’

‘What you get done for the first time?’

‘Everythin….I was drinkin all day. Red Bull/Vodka….pints of Heineken, Carlsberg…shots…. had a nice BMW at the time. 320 Diesel. No tax, not a stitch of insurance….barely an NCT on her and sure I left the pub and met the checkpoint only two miles up the road. They took the car off me straight away.’

‘Nice car them BMW’s.’

‘320 are a lovely yoke. I deal in cars you see. So the next day I had a Honda ready to get me around. That’s when I got caught the second time.’

‘How’d you get caught the second time?’

‘Fuckin roundabout.’


‘Yeah, drove straight into the back of a stupid prick of a red ’99 Corolla.’

‘Were you drunk?’

‘No, textin the girlfriend. Did you ever try sendin a Whats App when you’re drivin?’


‘Oh, it’s a bitch. I usesta have a Nokia and they were sound for textin cos they had real buttons but these new fuckin phones….they’re useless. I don’t even like Whats App but herself loves it.’

‘So what happened when you hit the Corolla?’

‘Good car them Corollas. It was a father and daughter. Her driving. Him thick as fuck. He got out and said: “Are you fuckin blind?!”

‘I’ll make a deal with you, I says to him. I have a lovely 08 Mondeo up the road. One previous owner. I’ll service it, tax it and guarantee it for a year and give it to you for nothin if you don’t call the guards. Please, I says to him. I’ll drive you up straight away and you can have it. You can drive it away. And I’ll even fix this yoke for a free.’

‘What did he do?’

‘He took out his phone. The guards were there twenty minutes later. I got done for Dangerous Drivin. They checked my phone and could see I’d been sendin messages at the time….and no tax or insurance of course….and the father and daughter beggin to go givin statements….’

‘So that’s why the guards are outside?’

‘Yeah, well, there’s a few other things too but that’s why they’re here today. They told me to expect 6 months. Maybe a year.’

‘So you’re leavin now, to go to jail?’

‘Yeah, but I know a few of the lads in there so it’ll be grand. They’re all waitin for me.’

‘Pity your man didn’t take the Mondeo that time.’

‘Tis, the stupid bollox. And he only drivin a ’99 Corolla? Sure you couldn’t give them away. Anyway, I better go.’

‘Sound. G’luck.’


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