21 Gun Salute.

The American was thumbing on the Neale Road when I picked him up. After some initial shite talk he told me he was addicted to Whisky.  Like this:‘….it’s not too bad being an alcoholic, lots of people are just boozers that won’t stop, especially in this fuckin country…being addicted is different….man, if you’re addicted to something you know all about it. I’d go into a shop, like Tesco’s or something, with no money, and I’d just pull a bottle off the shelf and start swiggin….gulp that motherfucker down….’

‘Would they not stop ya?

‘….fuck it, what the fuck do I care? I’d cause a stink. Say they were accusing me of stealin, threaten them with the law and shit, and they’d back down right away. Yeah, they’d kick me out, but you know what? I’d still have that fuckin bottle in my hand, man, and that’s all I’d care about. After that, I’d just start walking, I didn’t give a fuck, just keep walkin anywhere til somethin happens….I was bad. Whisky man. Whisky’s bad. You should stay away from that shit….why do you think I’m thumbin?’


‘Oh man…you didn’t hear about all that?


‘So a while back I’m drinkin all fuckin day. Drivin from dead end town to dead end town, just fuckin on the piss. A cider here, a Guinness there, some Vodka to keep me topped up in between. I couldn’t let the taste go, you know? Soon as my alcohol level dropped to a certain point, like anything below 99.9% bloodstream saturated, I’d need to swig something fast or I’d start to panic, get really scared, you know? So anyway, I’m tryin to open a bottle of Peach Schnapps, big motherfuckin bottle, like a litre or somethin and then I see these flashing blue lights behind me…’

‘The cops?’

‘It’s the fuckin pigs, man! They want to know where I’m goin and why I’m drivin like a maniac and then they see all the bottles and I eventually get bagged. The fuckin bag nearly explodes and they freak and take the car off me and drive me home, tell me the court will be up soon.’


‘So they’re not even out the gate, and the wife’s givin me shit, and I just can’t handle it, so you know what I do? I get my ass down to the cop station, and it’s quiet and I sneak in, drunk as a motherfucker, man, and I hot wire that son of a bitch and tear outta there like a fuckin skyrocket.’

‘The car?’

‘Yeah, man, there was flames on the road like back to the fuckin future.’

‘And you got away with it?’

‘They caught me again about half an hour later and brought me back home…added a load of shit to my arrest sheet….’

‘The judge must have been delighted.’

‘That night, they caught me down there again, tryin steal it for the second time but then I was so fucked they heard me rattling and they just brought me back home and this time I slept til that same need over took me and I got outta there and forgot bout the dumb car and went searching for whisky….’

He takes a drag of his cigarette and continues with: Got the 21 Gun Salute.‘Suspended sentence, 17 convictions and nineteen years off the road, but hey, yesterday’s history, drop me off here, will ya?’

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