The country’s most recent heatwave hit Lackagh this week as dozens of excited holiday makers were forced into rain coats, the safety of their cars and the cool air con of local supermarkets. Met Eireann has yet to officially confirm an all time temperature high but local sources suggest that the presence of “lake like” puddles on the road, drenched fields and dark skies all indicate the most unprecedented July in recent memory; thus sparking fears of an imminent drought, a spike in melanoma or the possible inhumane dehydration of cows and sheep who were nonchalantly grazing at the time. It appears that the torrential sun attacked some time in June and reached it’s scorching crescendo today and inspired worried locals to stock up on “Summer Essentials” such as: bags of coal, bales of briquettes, turf, firelogs and jumpers.
Nobody could have predicted the freak wave, but some older and wiser generations speculated that it happens every year and it’s nothing new, yet this did nothing to stop residents putting down blazing fires, closing all their windows, and contemplating the flu injection while the solar downpour continued unabated.
Cynics were quick to point out that the blessed weather wouldn’t last, citing a brief spell of unwelcome sunshine on Wednesday, but the black Mediterranean clouds were soon on hand to quash all fears of a break in the wonderful phenomenon.
Local retailers are also delighted as they can expect a sharp rise in tourist numbers and rumours already abound of a new Ryanair route to be opened in the glitz of Carnmore. With comparisons to Lanzarote and Mauritius, some have even gone so far as to suggest the opening of a string of Casinos to rival the likes of Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Salthill and Bundoran. “There’s a ready made gambling market already here.’ Said one local in reference to the Coolarne addiction facility up the road. ‘All we have to do is exploit it to it’s full potential. We can get a bus from the front door, straight to the Casino, and then back again if they want it, depending on their luck. Sure it’s only a bitta craic. And it’d be great for the local economy. My wife would love it for instance. She’s already a whore for the bingo!’
However, it’s not all good news as doctors are warning about the potential effects of UV rays on the young and the old. Those wishing to enjoy the sunshine are advised to wear plenty of oil skins, wellies, caps, anoraks, waterproof boots and to stay indoors, lest a vigilante UV ray should escape from the blistering sky and unexpectedly hit someone with an lethal amount of vitamin D. If this happens, the advice is to seek medical attention immediately but not straight away until you know what’s happening for sure. This writer was lucky enough to get through the jammed phone lines of the Civil Defence and obtain the following quote. ‘We haven’t a fuck’s clue what you’re talking about. Are you mental?’