There was a sharp and unexpected spike in Marlboro’s Share Price this week as strong and unusual demand appeared in Lackagh village, just outside Galway. The first signs of the upswing began around three o’clock on Wednesday when a furious billow of smoke was seen to rise from the garden of a house in the Knockdoe area. Initial reports suggested an early start to the bonfire festivities of June 23rd but it soon emerged that a local resident (Michelle) had taken to chain smoking in frustration at Mick’s inability to understand a seemingly complicated pram designed by Quinny.
It appears Michelle was anxious to “Get her hair done.” but foresaw practical problems relating to the transport of their baby (Nairobi). Mick had promised beyond all doubt to collapse the said pram, and make it fit in the car, but immediately encountered problems and expressed doubts as to the device’s “collapsibility.” The Marlboro maiden then tore open an emergency supply of twenty and immediately reminded Mick that she was forced to smoke due to the enormity of the occasion and did he not know that a “Full Head” was planned for today? And that this was no ordinary trip for something minor such as a “T-Bar”, or to get her “Hair Straightened”, or a “Blow-dry” or even “Highlights”, No! This was the Full Irish Breakfast of visits to the Hair Boutique and was it any wonder a woman could be driven to smoking in light of such pressure and inconsideration. Mick protested again that short of sourcing a hatchet in a hurry, there was nothing that could be done and perhaps it might be best to abandon plans for bringing the thing at all.
Michelle however was quick to retort that the “fuckin pram” had been folded many times before, and why wasn’t it obvious, and did he not have a college education, and so called world travel, and maybe she might have better luck asking the baby to do it? At this point Mick got thick and cast the pram aside and went to research the issue and find a solution but, despite his best efforts, failed.
Meanwhile, Marlboro were enjoying the rally as they surpassed all other companies profits but staff at the Hubble Space Telescope eventually had to complain that their lens had become blurred with what was quickly becoming known as the Lackagh Ash Plume. Scrambling for a solution, Mick eventually tracked down the original owner of the Questionable Quinny and was informed that the “Two buttons at the side” had to be pushed forward and, upon doing so, the whole contraption fell into a relived piece of car friendly baby wheels.
The panic now over, the plume began to subside and the “Full Head” was completed on schedule. Unfortunately, Hubble were not the only company irate at the phenomenon as Carnmore Airport was forced to cancel all flights to Aran for the day and local bus drivers were expressing concern about bringing students to their leaving cert exams in the morning. One driver commented last evening with: ‘This makes the Icelandic Volcano look like a Yuletide log….”
Mick or Michelle were unavailable for comment but local Paparazzi were able to confirm that Nairobi was seen settled in the Quinny and practicing her skills for the upcoming World Cup in Africa where she’s neither from nor was conceived, despite a myriad of euphemistic questions from relatives and medical personnel such as: ‘Have ye been to Kenya yerselves, or….?’
“It’s not a Brooklyn thing…” Said Michelle, at the time of the child’s birth, throwing cold water on the idea.